mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
