he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
