im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Two words: nipple clamps
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