if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Found the puke drawer
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
