im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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