did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
