Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
