i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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