Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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