found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
