I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
