Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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