I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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