Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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