I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We just shotgunned beers for America
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
