I just pynch a tree in the face
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
