I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
