hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
