woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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