I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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