totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
