Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
