I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
