We won't sleep together?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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