Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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