That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
