It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Are we still banned from the library?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
