She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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