I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
