Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
