I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I still have a little drunk in my system
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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