god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
