Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
