All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
