if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
