I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
