i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
