remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
