Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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