just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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