the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize
