You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
