Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
