I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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