I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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