ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
