how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
