remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
