if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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