i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
