I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
