I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
